


Zen and the Art of Errantry

by Grey_Bard



Category: Hawaii 5-0 (2010)
Genre: AU, D&D, Fantasy AU, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-25
Updated: 2010-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-13 09:17:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/135656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_Bard/pseuds/Grey_Bard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chin and Kono are awesome at hunting down marauding dragons. Steve and Danny are... themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zen and the Art of Errantry

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhat inspired by a prompt at the [Pineapple-Infested fic meme](http://pineapple-infested.dreamwidth.org/) for a fic about [the team playing Dungeons and Dragons together ](http://pineapple-infested.dreamwidth.org/292.html?thread=117284#cmt117284). Only, basically, this is a generic fantasy AU based on what they would be like if they actually were D&D characters, instead of simply playing them. Also somewhat inspired by the awesome Chin and Kono mentoring/teamwork action in episode 109, Po'ipu.

"Stealth is important in dragon slaying," Chin explained. "When you're trying to kill something that breathes fire, the last thing you want is a fair fight."

"So," Kono said, readjusting her mail, "Where do they come into this?" with a nod toward Steve and Danny, a couple yards away.

"So you don't think this is a good idea?" Steve was sneering at Danny on the other side of the clearing. "Do you think knights errant don't fight dragons? I know dragons, Danny! My plan will work!"

"Knights errant are errant because no one gives a damn if they come back!" Danny snarled, hands on hips, hitching his thumbs in his swordbelt. "You are not a knight errant anymore! And I never was, I have a daughter, remember? So no, your stupid but effective plans that incidentally result in death seventy percent of the time are not a viable option!"

"Don't worry about them," said Chin. "I think they can keep themselves busy."  


***

The woods were enjoyably cool as they rambled along the deer path, headed vaguely in the right direction. "Right now," Chin explained, "We don't have time for my favorite technique. That's too bad."

"Oh," Kono asked, brushing a branch out of her way, "What is it?"

Chin shrugged. "You need a cow and a lot of drugs. And a dragon. You can't get dragons to take pills, but you can get them to take cows."

They walked along in companionable silence for a while before Chin nudged her shoulder and gestured for Kono to look up. There were deep gouges on the side of a tree, from the claws of a massive beast.

"Marking territory, right?" Kono asked.

Chin nodded. "Mail muffled by your surcoat, and bound tight so it won't clank?"

"Yes."

"Poisoned javelins freshly poisoned?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Extra poisoned javelins?"

Kono rolled her eyes. "They're right there, you can see them, cous."

"Just checking."

"Yes."

"Good," said Chin, adjusting his gear, "Let's move."  


***

Meanwhile, back in the clearing, all was not well.

"When did you ever see a dragon?" Steve asked, arms crossed.

Danny looked up, as if praying for patience. "I saw lots, okay?"

"So they have a lot of dragons in Jersé, do they?" Steve said, eyes narrowed.

"As a matter of fact, yes, yes they do," Danny said, unamused.

"Where there's almost no wilderness?" Steve asked skeptically.

"Would I lie about that?" Danny asked, turning on him. "Yes, yes we did. Okay, they were smaller ones that were really good at flying, but strangely? That doesn't make them any easier to kill, trust me."  


***

Kono and Chin were crouched quietly by a watering hole with enormous clawed footprints around it. "Now the traditional method, as practiced by our friends over there, is to antagonize the dragon until it rears up to kill you and then stab it in the mouth or throat," Chin explained. "I trust you can see the problem with this?"

"Yeah. Dragon chow," Kono said, amused.

Chin smiled briefly. "Good, you might just live."

"So instead we..."

He shrugged. "Track the dragon down and double back to get one of the horses."

"And then?" she asked.

Chin rubbed his hands. "How do you feel about a stakeout?"  


***

"We're lost," Danny grumbled, glancing skeptically at the sea of distinctly similar trees and underbrush which surrounded them.

"No we aren't, We can't be," Steve said, making the malaise face. "I know these woods like the back of my hand. I grew up in these woods."

Danny raised his eyebrows, both of them, in a parody of innocent confusion. "What? Around these particular specific trees?"

"Yes," Steve said, and started walking again.

Danny scrambled to keep up. "Great. Okay then, genius, where are we?"

There was a distinct and unflattering pause.

Danny smirked. "You've got nothing. See? Told you. We are L.O.S.T. lost," he said, gesturing emphatically.

Steve shrugged weakly under his hauberk. "It's not that bad if we keep track of the direction of the sun and follow running water."

"Do I look like an idiot? Of course we won't stay lost," Danny said, "But the fact remains? At this moment? We are lost."  


***

Several miles away, Chin and Kono crouched in the bushes, as Pooka, Kono's horse, grazed obliviously, tied to a stake. A tiny, ominous figure in the sky was flying toward them with alarming speed. "We are not going to let it eat my horse," she hissed.

"No, probably not. Not if we're quick enough," Chin said.

Kono caught his shoulder and stared into his eyes, unamused. "We are not going to let it eat my horse."

They crouched and stared, readied their javelins and stared some more. The dragon sailed closer, immense, mottled green, with a rusty red on the underside of its wings that was uncomfortably reminiscent of blood. "Hold on, Pookie. Just a little longer," Kono muttered

It grew bigger and bigger until it almost blotted out the sky. Pooka began to panic, and pulled frantically at her rope, screaming as only terrified horses can. The dragon started extending its neck for the kill. "Wait for it, wait for it..." said Chin, under his breath, "Now!"

As one, they broke from cover and let loose at the dragon's vulnerable mouth and neck.  


***

"Oh hey!" said Danny, enthusiastic for the first time that day. "A deer!"

Steve trudged behind him. "A deer? Seriously?"

Danny turned on him, poking him in the chest. "Yeah, a deer. Do you see any sign of the dragon, the trail or Chin and Kono? No? Then grabbing lunch isn't going to stop us from finding any of them."

Steve cocked his head and squinted consideringly.

Danny pressed his advantage, "So are you with me on this one?"

Steve shrugged. "Absolutely."  


***

Two figures, followed by a horse, melted out of the woods, startling Danny and Steve. The roasting carcass was nearly knocked over until Danny grabbed the end of the makeshift spit to steady it.

"Lunch?" Danny asked.

"Don't mind if I do," said Kono, unsheathing her hunting knife to cut off a chunk.

Steve somehow managed to shrug using only his face. It was half wince, half fast, sheepish smile. "We found a deer."

"I see that," said Chin. "Got any energy left to help us with some cleanup?" He tossed something at Steve, who caught it and looked down. It was a dragon's tooth.

"So how did you find the dragon anyway?" Danny asked

"It was going to eat Kono's horse," Chin said, tipping his head casually.  


Steve shook his head. "You guys get all the luck."  
 


End file.
